


To Write Love On His Arms

by I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own



Series: Love On His Arms [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt Magnus Bane, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Magnus Bane Needs A Hug, Or His in this case..., Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, Self-Harm, Snoflake Relief Project, To Write Love On Her Arms, butterfly project, he needs a thousand, implied/referenced self mutilation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-20 23:55:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14904581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own/pseuds/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own
Summary: The hardest ones to love, are the ones who need it the most.





	1. Love On His Arms

**Author's Note:**

> So I've had like 6 hour sleep in the last 48 hours so, uhm, yeah shit be getting dark over here.
> 
> So legitimately most of my highschool was depressed, suicidal, self harming, or drug addicted, or all of the above by the time I escaped that hell hole. The only people we had to lean on were each other, it helped, it helped to know we weren't the only ones going through it. If you're in a delicate place right now, please, please get help, it doesn't have to be a professional, but please find someone you can lean on, someone you can talk to, someone who can hold you up when you don't have the strength to do it yourself anymore.

_It takes horns to hold up my halo,_  
_And strength to get through the fight._  
_Now I'm laying my cards on the table,_  
_Praying that everything will be alright._  
~Carry Me, Papa Roach

* * *

His magic isn’t gone, he knows, knows that his father couldn’t take it from him, because it’s as much a part of him as his heart is, as his brain is, as his lungs are, without any one of them, he couldn’t live. So, he knows his father didn’t take his magic, just locked it up inside of him.

He knows his magic is there, because his glamours are holding, not steady, but holding. But he knows they’ll start to break down, one by one by one and then Alec will see him for what he truly is. He’s not ready, doesn’t think he’ll ever be ready, but it’s not his choice anymore, is it?

He knows his magic is there, because his wards are still there, strong and vibrant around his loft, around the Institute, can still feel them humming in the back of his mind, and when he passes through them, they caress his skin like a lover, as they always have.

He knows it isn’t gone, because he can feel it, burning under his skin, but if he tries to use it, and he’s tried, there’s a disconnect. He wonders vaguely if this is what it’s like for paraplegics, knowing that the body part is still there, for all the good it does.

So, for all these reasons, and more, he knows his magic is there, he just can’t touch it. It’s going to destroy him; the way unused magic always destroys. The magic will rot inside of him, and he’ll suffer for it. He’s not ready.

“Magnus?” he jumps, wipes at suddenly tearful eyes and puts a smile on his face for his lover.

“Hey, shouldn’t you still be in bed?” he asks, a stern frown on his face, Alec grins.

“Nah, Cat gave me a clean bill of health.” The Shadowhunter replies, then snags Magnus’ arm and pulls him in for a hug. “We’re going to get your magic back, okay?” Alec tells him, and he nods, cranks the fake smile up a notch and lets Alec think there is a solution to this that doesn’t end in death, because one way or another, this is going to kill him.

* * *

“You need to tell him.” Cat says, arms crossed over her chest, Alec’s off back at the Institute, doing his job, leaving him to find companionship elsewhere.

“I can’t.” he says, wiping at his eyes for what has to be the thousandth time, can’t seem to stop crying.

“Magnus-“

“I know, Cat. But I can’t, I just can’t. He doesn’t need this after everything.”

“We could try to unlock it? It worked for Drusilla.” Cat ventures, Magnus shakes his head, let’s out a sigh.

“I doubt it will work, we can try, but I really doubt it will work. Besides, it’s not like Lorenzo will let us. He’s about five seconds away from banishing me.” Cat snorts at that, like Magnus has said something funny, but nothing about this is funny.

“I’d like to see the asshole try. He burned all his favours stealing your job, now everyone’s just waiting for the right time to oust him. He knows if he banishes you, we’ll lynch him.”

“What? I can’t even use my magic, why would you defend me?” Magnus asks, can’t even fathom the thought.

“Because the Warlocks in Brooklyn remember what this city used to be like for us until you came along. Because if he banishes you, Alec goes with you, and we lose any progress we’ve made with the Clave. Because he’s an arsehole, and this whole situation could have been avoided if he wasn’t such a selfish prick.” Cat says, blue slowly seeping into her skin.

“Geeze, Cat, tell me how you really feel.” Magnus exclaims, but he’s smiling. Then he rubs at his eyes again, and freezes, feels the hideous scarring beneath his fingers and takes a stuttering breath in.

“Magnus?” Cat asks, Magnus turns swiftly away from her, running his hands over the scars marring the skin around his eyes. He’s not ready. He’s not ready. He wants to scream, as the tears cloud his eyes, and his chest suddenly feels too tight. He’s not ready. He feels Cat’s arms wrap around him and he leans into her, sucking up the comfort she has to offer, but it’s not enough, can never be enough because this is only the start, and he’s not ready. “Talk to me.”

“I can’t.” he tells her, voice broken. “I can’t. I’m not ready. I’m not ready for this. No one was supposed to see. This is-“ he breaks off, shakes his head, wipes at his eyes again, and shudders as his fingers brush over the scarring. This is going to happen one way or another, he can’t cast his glamours anymore, is surprised they’ve even lasted this long. He takes a deep breath in, choking on sobs he doesn’t want to release, and he turns in Cat’s arms, and looks at her, sees the moment she sees what he’s never let anyone see, except Ragnor.

“Oh, Magnus.” She whispers, reaching up to gently trace the scars around his eyes, he flinches, and Cat starts crying, too. “Why aren’t you blind?” she asks, her voice shaking, the words trembling their way past her lips.

“I was, for a bit. Ragnor healed me.” Magnus says, voice quiet and grief-stricken. “He was the only one who ever saw through the glamour, all of my glamours. The _bastard_.” Magnus hisses, before it’s like something has snapped inside him, and suddenly he’s on the floor and Cat’s kneeling beside him, cradling his head to her chest as he cries, can’t stop crying, deep, heart wrenching sobs, his whole body rocking with the force of them.

“We’ll find a way to unlock your magic, Magnus. I promise.” It’s funny, but when Cat says it, he believes her, like he didn’t believe Alec. Doesn’t know why he believes Cat when he couldn’t believe Alec, but he does. Maybe because Cat has seen something only Ragnor was ever supposed to see, and she’s still determined to help him, to defend him.

“Okay.”

* * *

After Cat portals him home, he closes all the curtains and lowers all the blinds, and he curls up in bed and wishes he could wake from this nightmare but can’t. Knows he can’t, because he’s not sleeping. This isn’t a nightmare, this is real life.

While he’s hiding from the world, the glamour on his arms fails. He looks down at the scars and takes a shuddering breath in. He’s not ready. He’ll never be ready for this, it’s why he’s kept it hidden behind glamours, even when on his own. It’s why he weaved the glamours into the very scars themselves, and tied them directly into his magical channels, so he didn’t have any conscious or unconscious control over the glamours, so they would stay up even when all his other glamours fell, even when he was too exhausted to consciously glamour his eyes or any other part of himself.

He’s not ready.

* * *

He wakes to the wards letting him know someone has entered the loft, he let’s out a little whimper and hides himself under his blankets, can’t let anyone ever see him like this. But that’s stupid because he can’t control this anymore. It’s totally out of his hands, he has to leave his bed sometime, has to leave the loft. Has to exist in the world, for now at least.

“Magnus?” he gasps at the voice and can’t stop the sobs that build within him. Of course, it’s Alec. Of course, it is, why would it ever have been anyone else? “Magnus?” Alec asks again, his voice quiet and concerned, and Magnus feels the bed dip as Alec sits down. “What’s wrong?” When he doesn’t respond, he feels Alec start pulling at the blankets, and Magnus just clings to them tighter, can’t let Alec see him like this. But he has to at some point, can’t win this fight forever. Can’t win this fight at all.

He knows the moment Alec wins the fight over the blankets, and he rolls onto his stomach, hides his face in the pillows, and his arms under them, but it’s not enough, never going to be enough.

“Magnus, you’re scaring me.” Alec tells him, and he does sound genuinely afraid, and concerned, and heartbroken. “What’s going on.”

“You can’t see me like this.” Magnus tells him, voice muffled by the pillow. “You can’t.”

“Hey, I love you. Whatever this is, it’s not going to change that.” Alec tells him, lying down beside him and reaching out to pull Magnus into his arms, but Magnus flinches before Alec can even touch him, and Alec pulls his arms back. “Magnus, please, what’s wrong?”

“You won’t love me anymore when you know.”

“Magnus, I will love you no matter what.” Alec promises, and Magnus believes him, against his better judgement, against the screaming voices in his mind that sound like the demons of his past, against the sudden tightness of his chest. He believes him. So slowly he rolls onto his side, faces his angel, and sees the _horror_ that etches itself across Alec’s face. “By the Angel, Magnus, what happened?” Alec asks, reaching out to gently touch the scarring, can’t keep the distress out of his voice. Magnus’ eyes fill with tears, and he has to fight the urge to pull away, to up and flee his own loft, to where he wouldn't have a clue.

“I-I-I can’t tell you.” Magnus says, and he’d tried, he really, really had, but he just can’t force the words out of his mouth, they just won’t come.

_I tried to claw my own eyes out_

He wipes angrily at the all too present tears again, can’t believe he’s crying _again._ That’s when Alec sees the scarring on his arm, and Magnus flinches when Alec grabs his wrist in a vicelike grip, staring in horrified fascination at the letters _carved_ into Magnus’s skin.

“D-did you do this?” Alec asks, voice surprisingly calm as he traces his fingers over the scarring.

F

R

E

A

K

“It was a long time ago.” Magnus replies, ashamed. “I got low. Real low.” Alec reaches out for his other arm, and Magnus lets him take it, tries to stop the tears falling from his eyes.

M

O

N

S

T

E

R

“Oh, Magnus.” Alec says, letting go of his arm to reach out and pull Magnus to him, and he’s crying now, too. Magnus can’t help but upset those he loves. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for this.” He says, over and over again, just holding Magnus tight to his chest, Magnus just lets him, can’t find the will to fight it, and he’s always felt safe and protected in Alec’s arms, that’s no different now.

* * *

It’s a real long while before either of them moves, and it’s Alec who moves first, letting Magnus go and rolling out of the bed, Magnus let’s out a heartbroken sob the moment Alec’s arms aren’t around him anymore, but Alec turns, kisses him quickly, apologizing.

“Hey, I’ll be right back, okay?” Alec says, and Magnus nods, but he can’t get his heart to believe it as he watches Alec walk out of the bedroom, can’t stop crying until the bed dips and Alec’s arms are around him again. “I’m sorry.” Alec whispers, turns them, so Alec’s leaning against the headboard, Magnus between his legs, leaning back against Alec’s chest, allowing Alec to reach for Magnus’ arms without taking away the comfort. Magnus watches what Alec is doing in confusion, as Alec grabs his arm, and with one of those eco-friendly permanent markers Clary’s been leaving all over the damn loft, he starts to write on Magnus’ arm, over the hideous scarring, going over and over the letters, making them big and bold, and covering the scars.

L

O

V

E

“Alec?”

“Clary told me about this thing they used to do at her high school.” Alec says, as he repeats the process on Magnus’ other arm. “See, depression, and youth suicide, and self-harm, and drug addiction are pretty big things in the Mundane world right now. They’ve come up with ways to try and help each other, to try and help themselves through problems. Clary says she and Simon lost a friend part way through Highschool, he was there one day, and gone the next. They found out about this movement, called To Write Love on Her Arms. You write LOVE on your arms, to symbolize that you are there for people who have depression, who are suicidal, who self-harm, who are addicts, that you have hope for them, and for yourself. That you stand by them. That you love them.” Alec says, as he pulls up his own sleeves and writes the word up first one arm, and then the other.

L

O

V

E

“I love you, Magnus. These scars are just proof that you survived.” Alec tells him, wrapping his arms so tightly around Magnus and pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “I love you so much. Please, please tell me if you get down like this, please. I know you’re suffering, but I’m here for you. I love you, and I have hope for you.”

“There’s something I have to tell you.” Magnus says, tracing the ink on his left arm, fascinated just looking at it. It’s just ink, just some coloured chemicals but he’d much rather look at that then the scars beneath, though he can still feel them. “My magic isn’t gone. It’s just locked up inside me.”

“What?”

“I’d die if I didn’t have magic, Alexander. So, it’s not gone, it’s just locked up inside of me, out of my reach, and someday soon, it’s going to rot inside me, suck up all the goodness I see in the world around me, and I’m going to get real low again, Alexander. I won’t be able to help it.”

“Okay, so we unlock your magic before that can happen. I’m not going to lose you over this, Magnus. I’m not. Just, please let me help you. Lean on me, okay?” Alec pleads, and Magnus nods, tears yet _again_ burning in his eyes. He feels like a hormonal teenager all over again, just bursting into tears at the drop of a damn hat.

“I promise.” He says, and he’s amazed to find that he means it, there’s yet more glamours to fall, but he knows that Alec will be there to love him when they do.

* * *

  _The hardest ones to love,_  
_Are the ones that need it most._  
_The hardest ones to love,_  
_Are the ones that need it most._  
_The hardest ones to love,_  
_Are the ones that need it most._  
~Carry Me, Papa Roach


	2. Butterfly Fly Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus learns something about himself that he has no memory of, and he has a relapse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant for this chapter to be the resolution, but that did not end up happening, oop.
> 
> Oh, and we're just pretending like Clary is all well and fine because there's only so much heartbreak to go around. :)

_Help, I have done it again._  
_I have been here many times before._  
_Hurt myself again today,_  
_And the worst part is there's no one else to blame._  
~Breathe Me, Sia 

* * *

 

Sometime in the night, the glamour on his thighs had fallen, and Magnus has a mini heart attack when he goes to shower in the morning. He sits on the bathroom floor, back to the wall and stares at the scars on his thighs. He’d forgotten about this. Truthfully, he’d tried to forget about all his self-inflicted scars the moment he hid them all behind his strongest glamours. For the most part, he succeeded.

“Magnus?” Alec asks, hovering in the doorway.

“I, um, one of my glamours fell.” Magnus says, slowly looking up at his lover, gives him a pained little smile. “I didn’t remember doing this.” Magnus explains, clenches his fingers into the flesh on his thighs, nails digging in. “Wish it had stayed that way.”

“Hey, stop that.” Alec says, crossing the room to kneel at his side, takes Magnus’ hands into his and squeezes them tightly. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.” Magnus answers, looking down, glaring at the scarring on his thighs.

“No, but it will be.” Alec promises, and glances down at Magnus’ thighs, tears swimming in his eyes when he sees what Magnus did. “Oh, darling.” He breathes, letting go of one of Magnus’ hands so he can carefully trace the raised brand on Magnus’ left thigh.

_WORTHLESS_

Followed by the right.

_BANO_

“You were so hard on yourself.” Alec says, swallowing thickly as he raises his eyes to Magnus’ face. “What is Bano?” Alec asks, frowning. “What does it mean?

“It’s Proto-Germanic.” Magnus answers, his voice shaking. “I should have remembered doing this, even with the glamours I had a reminder everywhere I went, and I still forgot.” Magnus says, shaking his head. “Bano. Murderer. Destroyer. Bano, bani, bana, bona… Bane.”

“Why do you warlocks all torture yourselves like this?” Alec exclaims, moving to lean up against the wall beside him. “Catarina _Loss,_ Ragnor _Fell.”_

 “Habit.” Magnus replies, shrugging his shoulders, then he sighs. “Come on, you need to get to the Institute.” Magnus says, pushing himself to his feet, and holding his hand out to pull Alec up, Alec sighs and acquiesces.

“I’m just going to make sure they can survive without me, then I’m going on sick leave.”

“Ale-“

“I almost died four days ago, literally was almost stabbed through the heart, so if you think I don’t have problems of my own right now, Magnus…”

“Oh.” Magnus says, flinching at the reminder of how close he came to losing Alec. “Sorry, you’re right, I’ve been so busy with-“

“Hey, no. I wasn’t blaming you or accusing you or anything. I’m just pointing out that I’m justified to take leave. Besides, it’s me. You know what I’m like when it comes to rules.” Alec says, rolling his eyes, Magnus snorts.

“Yeah. True. Come on then, let’s get showered. The faster you leave, the quicker you can come back.” He says, dragging his lover to the shower, the brands on his thighs forgotten once again.

* * *

He’s never really understood tattoos, Shadowhunter runes don’t count, because he understands those. There’s magic involved there, but regular, everyday tattoos have always just confused him. He’s never really understood the point. But… if he never gets his magic back, never gets his glamours back and he survives this, he wants Alec’s love tattooed on his arms for the rest of his life, maybe even if he gets his glamours back, too. He doesn’t really understand it, but every time he catches the black ink out of the corner of his eye, he’s drawn to it, feels a rush of warmth at the sight of it. He can’t seem to stop tracing his fingers over the letters. He doesn’t really understand it, he knows it’s just ink, just coloured chemicals, but when Alec isn’t with him, like now, it is oddly soothing. He doesn’t understand.

* * *

Alec sneaks back in around lunch time, when Magnus is dozing on the couch, absently stroking his fingers over the ink on his arm. Alec kneels down beside the couch and brushes his hand through Magnus’ hair, Magnus smiles and blinks at him sleepily.

“They didn’t burn it down in your absence?” he asks, Alec laughs.

“No. They didn’t, I don’t hold out much hope currently, though. I’m on leave for the next two weeks. That’s plenty of time for them to destroy the entire Institute and rebuild it again from the rubble.” He says, grimacing.

“They really could.” Magnus agrees, sitting up, so Alec can move onto the couch beside him. Magnus lies back down, resting his head in Alec’s lap. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.” Alec replies, playing with Magnus’ hair, Magnus hums. They stay like that in silence for a long time before Magnus finally breaks it.

“So, you were right this morning, you nearly died four days ago, and not the usual Shadowhunter way of nearly dying. Are you okay?” Magnus asks, looking up at his lover, at his whole world, Alec smiles down at him and leans down to press a kiss to his forehead.

“Yes. I’m okay, Magnus, or I’ll get there. Jace and I… our bond is strained but it will get better.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes. It wasn’t him, my body just needs to learn that.” Alec promises, continuing to pet Magnus’ hair.

“Okay. Just-just tell me if there’s anything I can do, alright?” Magnus asks, and Alec smiles, nods his head.

“Of course. We can lean on each other.”

“Yes.”

* * *

Magnus’ mood spirals dramatically after his last glamour fails, revealing to the world the scars on his stomach that he stares at in mute horror the first time he notices them.

_“I don’t- I don’t remember this.” He whispers, pressing trembling fingers to the faint scars, trailing along the lines, feels the familiar lingering sparks of Ragnor’s magic in the scarring, magic he hasn’t felt in a long time. Suddenly, he feels sick, rushing off to worship at the porcelain throne, and that’s how Alec finds him._

_“Darling.” Alec whispers, kneeling beside him, rubbing his back. “It’s going to be okay.”_

_“I-I did something bad, Alec. Real bad.” Magnus mumbles, feeling absolutely miserable as his stomach continues to do somersaults._

_“It’s okay, whatever it is, Magnus, we’ll deal with it.”_

_“No, it was a long time ago.” Magnus corrects, shaking his head, swallowing thickly when he feels bile climbing up his throat, so he stops. “I-I don’t think the Blackfriars Bridge was the first time.” He whispers, feels the way Alec’s body stiffens up._

_“What?” he asks, sounding genuinely confused.  
_

_“Oh, I haven’t told you.” Magnus exclaims in surprise, “I thought… no, I guess we never really went into it, did we?” he questions, before holding up his hand to silence any reply Alec has as another bout of vomiting over takes him._

_“We can talk about this later.” Alec says, once again rubbing Magnus’ back. As he stops vomiting, Magnus gives a full body shiver and leans back against Alec, trying to absorb as much of his strength and his comfort as he can._

_“Okay.” Magnus replies, willing to postpone as long as he can._

* * *

They don’t end up talking about the Blackfriars Bridge, because Magnus’ mood plummets. He refuses to get out of bed, clings to Alec as much as he can, and spends most of his time sleeping, or drinking, though Alec easily stops that by moving all the alcohol out of the bedroom. So, Magnus spends most of his time sleeping, and Alec spends the time fretting, he calls the Institute and takes another two weeks off. He contacts Cat, and she and the other warlocks try everything they can think of to force Magnus’ magic out of its bindings, but nothing works, and Magnus crawls deeper into his darkness.

Until Alec wakes up at an un-angelic hour of the morning, to find Magnus sitting on the edge of the bed, guiltily holding his mother’s keris in his hands, and Alec feels something cold gripping his heart. “Magnus, darling, what’s happening?” he asks, trying desperately to keep his voice calm, though he feels anything but.

“I-“ Magnus starts to speak, but stops himself, shakes his head and holds out his arms, and in the faint light of early morning, Alec sees the blood dribbling from his forearms, he takes a breath in and closes his eyes. Magnus has reopened his scars.

“Can I have that please?” Alec asks, holding his hand out for the keris, Magnus hesitates before handing it over.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright.” Alec tells him, taking the keris, holding it tight in his hand, he puts it down with his weapons in the closet. “I’m going to get the first aid kit, okay?” he says, and Magnus nods, so Alec heads into the bathroom, he grabs the first aid kid and goes back into the bedroom, to find Magnus standing at the window, looking out over the city, blood dribbling down onto the carpet. “Magnus?” Alec calls, and Magnus jumps, turns to him quickly, smiling sadly and coming to sit on the bed beside Alec, holding out his arm for Alec to treat.

“I’m sorry.” Magnus says again, sucking in a breath. “I’m so sorry, you didn’t sign on for this, Alexander.”

“We’re in a relationship, I signed on for your good times and your bad, and you did the same for mine.” Alec tells him, bandaging Magnus’ arm and holding his hand out for the other. Magnus obliges.

“Still, I don’t think this is what you were expecting when you agreed to hook up with a centuries old warlock.”

“No, probably not, but you’re my First, Magnus. I honestly had no clue what I was expecting.” Alec answers, smiling softly. “And you haven’t disappointed. We’ve had our ups, and we’ve had our downs, we even had a mini break up.” Alec says, conversationally, Magnus gives a breathless little laugh. “I can proudly say, that I have a total of one ex, and I’m currently dating him again.” Magnus’ smile turns into a frown.

“Probably not for long.”

 “Don’t.”

“Alexander-“

“Don’t you dare. We’re going to fix this, I won’t accept anything else, Magnus. I will not.”

“Okay.”

“Good.” Alec says, finishing up with Magnus’ arm, he sighs and starts packing up the first aid kit. “I’ll be back.” He says, taking the first aid kit back to the bathroom, and then ducking out into the hallway, Magnus watches after him with confused eyes, until he sees Alec come back in with the box of markers, some paper, and scissors, and then his confusion only grows. Alec sits down on the bed, and holds his hand out, Magnus frowns but holds out his arm, Alec smiles at him, grabs his hand and starts drawing on the back of it with the markers, Magnus can’t see what he’s drawing, but his curiosity is piqued.

“Alexander?”

“One sec.” Alec says, swapping out the markers every so often, then he grins and puts the last marker down. “Okay, so Clary says there’s this thing you can do to try and stop hurting yourself. It’s called the Butterfly Project.” Alec explains, letting go of Magnus’ hand, Magnus pulls his arm back and inspects Alec’s drawing, frowning in confusion at a kaleidoscope of butterflies, all with little names. Alec, Clary, Jace, Simon, Isabelle, Raphael, Max. Magnus frowns at them and then he frowns at Alec.

“I don’t understand.”

“If you hurt yourself before the butterflies fade away, you kill us.” Alec tells him, Magnus stares at him in shock.

“What?” he asks, voice choked.

“Not literally.” Alec assures him, smiling. “If the butterflies ‘fly away’, i.e. fade away, then we live. And you can’t just rub us off!” Alec explains, before hesitating. “And I found this other thing on the internet… uhm, whenever you feel like hurting yourself, you make snowflakes.” Alec says, grabbing a piece of paper and folding it a few times, before he starts cutting at it with the scissors, then he unfolds the paper and a reluctant smile pulls at Magnus’ lips when he sees that Alec has indeed made a snowflake. “You can make as many snowflakes as you want, but if you hurt yourself, you have to throw all your snowflakes away and start again.”

“So, I have to look after Butterfly Alexander and make him snowflakes?” Magnus asks, Alec pauses then laughs at the question.

“Yes.”

“Okay.” Magnus says, before shoving all the paper and the markers on the floor, he takes the scissors from Alec and puts them on the bedside table, before pulling Alec to him and lying down, snuggling into Alec’s side. “I’ll take excellent care of Mariposalec.”

“By the Angel.” Alec exclaims, laughing. “ _Please_ do not call him that.”

“Why not? Mariposa is butterfly in Spanish, my darling. I would think you of all people would know that.” Magnus says, Alec laughs and rubs his forehead.

“You’re killing me.”

“No, no, darling, I’m trying to do the opposite.” Magnus assures him, patting his arm.

“Then thank you.” Alec says, kissing him. “I’m sure you’ll keep Butterfly Me very safe.”

“Always.” Magnus replies, and they fall asleep like that, just holding each other.

But it is not the end.

* * *

 _Be my friend, hold me._  
_Wrap me up, unfold me._  
_I am small, I'm needy,_  
_Warm me up and breathe me._  
~Breathe Me, Sia


	3. Have I Paid My Dues Just to Be With You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec takes matters into his own hands and learns something new about him and Magnus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't Stop by Gin Wigmore is such a Malec song, omfg.

_Gatekeeper, I am down on my knees,_  
 _I need your key to free my stranger._  
 _Gatekeeper, I will knock down your door,_  
 _And I don't care if you call yourself the Reaper._  
~Don't Stop, Gin Wigmore

* * *

Mariposalec survives, along with all his butterfly friends and family, but the loft becomes covered in snowflakes, and Magnus grows increasingly withdrawn. Alec draws a new butterfly, but he’s at the end of his rope. So, he calls Cat to come and stay, lying, saying he has a family emergency. Cat’s only too happy to help, once she finds a sitter for Madzie. Once Cat arrives, Alec gives Magnus a quick kiss, and promises to be back soon, he grabs his bow and arrows and then he leaves. Heads to Lorenzo’s.

“I have a favour to ask of you, if I fail, you can be secure in the knowledge that Magnus will never know your hand in it, and you’ll have helped to destroy him. If I succeed, I’ll convince the Warlock’s not to lynch you.” Alec tells the High Warlock, before he can shut the door in his face. Lorenzo pauses, narrows his eyes.

“Oh, alright then, come in.” Lorenzo finally says, stepping back from the door. “What do you want?”

“I need you to send me to Edom.”

“You’re kidding. You have to be kidding, because I know you’re not stupid enough to go to Edom for _Magnus Bane_.” Lorenzo tells him, shaking his head.

“Well, you don’t know me very well.” Alec retorts, smirking. “Because I am apparently just that stupid. And the only reason I’ve come to you is because all the others will refuse, and I know you don’t actually care what happens to Magnus, but you’d probably get some weird satisfaction if you sent me to my death, and he’ll never know. So, can you do it, or not?” Alec asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Fine. But you may not live to regret it.” Lorenzo tells him, Alec shrugs his shoulders.

“That’s my problem.”

“Yes, come on then.” Alec follows him down into a dedicated ritual chamber, he watches as Lorenzo creates the pentagram and sets it alight.

“It’s going to hurt.”

“Yeah, I watched Magnus do this before.” Alec says, with a sigh. “Well, once more unto the breach.” He mutters, before stepping into the fire, it burns like nothing he’s ever felt before and he collapses to his knees with a scream tearing from his throat. When the pain subsides, and he can see clearly, he finds he’s most definitely not in Kansas anymore.

“Shadowhunter.” A voice calls, and Alec pushes to his feet, turns towards the voice, frowning at the man, no demon, before him, leaning on a cane. “To what do we owe the pleasure?” the demon asks, eyes flickering gold, Alec knows exactly who this is.

“I’m here for Magnus’ magic. Take whatever you want in payment, just give Magnus his magic back.”

“Well, let’s discuss terms, little Shadowhunter.”

* * *

“He doesn’t deserve this.” Magnus tells Cat, who has managed to convince him to come and sit on the balcony with her, though he’s glaring the entire time.

“Neither do you.” Cat replies, she looks at the butterfly Alec had drawn just that morning on Magnus’ cheekbone, this one is named Ragnor, at Magnus’ request. She quirks an eyebrow at Magnus, then hits the butterfly with some magic and watches as the butterfly flutters on Magnus’ cheek, then flies off to appear on Magnus’ hand. Magnus glances down at it in surprise.

“How did you-?”

“I got by for a few years by animating tattoos, people will pay a lot for a permanent animation spell.” Cat replies, shrugging her shoulders. “Doing it for a bit of temporary ink is nothing.”

“Oh.” Magnus says, he smiles at Butterfly Ragnor, and Cat hits the butterfly with another bit of magic, and the butterfly sits on Magnus’ hand instead of being in his skin. “That’s incredible, Cat.”

“It’s only temporary, you can’t make such things three dimensional for very long.” She tells him, “But Madzie is fascinated by this sort of stuff, so I’ve had a lot of practice.”

“I can only imagine.” Magnus says, watching Butterfly Ragnor fluttering his wings, as if getting ready for flight. “Alec doesn’t have a family emergency.”

“No. But I think he needs a breather.” Cat replies and doesn’t even try to lie. “He’s been with you every day for the last four weeks, Magnus, watching you slip into this darkness. I’d need a breather, too, and my whole world is currently at home with a sitter, not here. So, I can’t imagine how he’s feeling right now.”

“I know. I wish I could stop this but-“

“But you know you can’t. It’s not your fault. No one blames you for this. I’m sorry we haven’t been able to do anything.” Cat says, as Butterfly Ragnor sinks back into Magnus’ skin and flies back to his place on Magnus’ cheekbone, where he settles.

“It’s okay. I didn’t think you’d be able to anyway and…“ Magnus trails off, a strange look forming on his face.

“Magnus?” Cat asks, calling her magic, ready for anything.

“I don’t-I don’t feel so good.” Magnus groans, doubling over as his body starts to shake violently. Cat throws up a portal, snags his wrist and pulls the portal to her with her magic, they land in the middle of a desert and Cat pulls Magnus into her arms, rocking him as his body spasms.

“Your magic is breaking free.” She tells him, recognizing the signs from when she’d helped a Warlock free her magic centuries ago.

“Why?” Magnus asks, barely able to speak, his hands clamping down on her arms, nails digging in, but Cat just holds him tight.

“I don’t know.” She says, and they hold each other tightly, waiting out the shakes until there’s a loud pop, and the next thing Cat knows, she’s sitting in the middle of a sandy crater, Magnus a dead weight in her arms. “Thank Lilith we left the loft.” She mutters, looking around her, she looks down at Magnus in time to see the scars on his face slowly hide behind a flawless glamour. Butterfly Ragnor fading away. “Let’s take you home.” Cat whispers to her sleeping friend, opening another portal.

* * *

“And you’re not going to tell me?” Alec asks again, for the thousandth time.

“No, stop asking. You’re trying my patience.”

“Fine. I guess we’re done here, then?”

“I guess so. Did you want me to make you a portal home, little Shadowhunter?” Asmodeus asks, smirking when Alec realizes that he definitely did not think this through.

“If you could, that would be lovely.” Alec tells him, before pausing. “What are you wanting in return?”

“A memory.”

“Of what?”

“The first time you kissed Magnus.” Asmodeus replies, and Alec frowns at him. Thinks of the wedding, and how that moment, that kiss, _Magnus_ saved him from making the worst mistake of his life. But without sacrificing it, he can’t get back home.

“Fine.” He says, clenching his fist. “Fine, take it.” He and Asmodeus both know what the memory will be, so they’re both very surprised when the memory that forms in front of them is _not_ the wedding.

_“Thank you for saving my sister, Mr Warlock.” A young Alec, all of four years old, says, pressing a soft kiss to a younger Magnus’ cheek, as the warlock kneels in front of a young Alec and a young Izzy, Magnus smiles at him and ruffles his hair, totally charmed._

_“You’re very welcome, little Shadowhunter. Now, why don’t you take your sister and find somewhere safe to be, huh, little one?” Magnus asks, raising an eyebrow at young Alec, who frowns, squeezes his little sister’s hand tight as she rubs at the blood on her forehead, no wound in sight._

_“But the Institute-“_

_“Is fully stocked with_ adult _Shadowhunters ready to fight for the cause, little one, you haven’t even gotten your first rune yet. Now go on.” Magnus says, noticing what Izzy’s doing and clearing the blood away with magic. “Protect your sister, little one, she’s not old enough to defend herself, that’s your job, and she is safest where they cannot find her.” It proves to be the magical words, because young Alec squares his shoulders and sets his jaw the way he’s seen the adults do and holds his sister’s hand tight in his own._

_“Okay.” He says, and then he and Izzy are running, and the memory fades._

“Oh.” Alec exclaims when the memory has faded, blinking at the thin air. “I forgot about that, I guess he’s been saving me even when I was too little to remember.”

“That was not what either of us expected.” Asmodeus says, surprised.

“No, but a deal is a deal.” Alec tells him, smirking, overjoyed to be able to keep the memory of the wedding. Asmodeus rolls his eyes and creates a portal for Alec to go through.

“Do not come back.”

“Don’t ruin Magnus’ life again, and you got a deal.” Alec promises, stepping through the portal.

“Well, Magnus always did know how to pick ‘em.” Asmodeus says, an amused smile on his face as he returns to his home. “Congratulations, my boy, I wish you many happy centuries together.”

* * *

The portal drops Alec in the middle of the living room, in time to see Cat and Magnus appear just beside him.

“What happened?” Alec asks, crawling to Magnus’ side and staring in shock at the unblemished skin around Magnus’ eyes, he’s become used to the scarring. “That’s a glamour, right?”

“Yes, his magic is free.” Cat says, a pleased smile on her face, but its dampened when she speaks again. “But he has a long road to recovery, Alec. He can hide it all he wants, he still has to face it. When the high from his magic being back fades, he’s going to be back in that dark place.”

“I know. I didn’t think getting his magic back would cure his depression I just…“ Alec trails off, shrugging his shoulders. “At least now he has a chance to get better.”

“You did this?” Cat asks, reaching out to grab his wrist in a crushing hold. “Alec, what did you do?”

“What I had to, just as he did when he gave up his magic.” Alec replies, with no regret.

“You went to Asmodeus?” Cat exclaims, horrified. “What did you pay?”

“I don’t know.” Alec replies, shaking his head. “He told me I’d know in time.”

“Alec.”

“I _know._ But I couldn’t just watch him sink further into the darkness, Cat. He was so certain it was going to kill him, and I couldn’t bear for him to be right.” He says, caressing Magnus’ face, trailing his fingers over the scars he knows are there, but cannot see and cannot feel. “At least now he has a chance.”

“Yes.” Cat answers, smiling at her friend. “At least he has that.”

Alec and Cat tuck Magnus into bed, and tidy up the mess of Alec’s interdimensional portal, then Alec thanks Cat for watching over Magnus, and he sends her on home, before going to cuddle up with Magnus and sleep.

* * *

Alec wakes to Magnus watching him, and he smiles, leans forward to press a kiss to Magnus’ lips, but Magnus doesn’t respond, instead he frowns, and Alec frowns back.

“What did you do?” Magnus asks him, Alec sighs.

“Man, I need to get better at lying.” He mutters, rolling his eyes. “I did what I said I would do, Magnus. I unlocked your magic before it could destroy you.”

“At what price?”

“Unknown.” Alec replies, sees the disbelief and terror that forms in Magnus’ eyes. “Your father said it wouldn’t be anything bad, and he said he’s already taken it, whatever it is. He said I’d figure it out, so, I’m gonna figure it out.” Alec says, shrugging his shoulders. “Also, I gave him a memory, so I could come home, apparently, our first kiss wasn’t at my wedding.”

“What?” Magnus asks at that, before he laughs. “I’m fairly certain I’d remember if I kissed you before that.”

“Ah, but who says you did the kissing? Also, you’re thinking of twenty-five year old me, and not four-year-old me with his three-year-old sister in an Institute under attack by the remnants of the Circle.” Alec tells him, smirking. Magnus stares at him for a long time, his eyes narrow in thought, before they go wide.

“No, that can’t have been you.” Magnus says, shaking his head. “Little Shadowhunter, all ready to throw himself into the fight without even a single rune.”

“Come on, you can’t see the resemblance, after what I _just_ did?” Alec asks, raising an eyebrow, Magnus rubs at his face, and lets out an exasperated sigh.

“Okay, I see it now.” He says, and Alec laughs, snuggles into his side.

“I’m glad you have your magic back, Magnus, and I know that the next little while is going to be hard, but I’m going to be here with you. I’m going to step down as the Head of the Institute, I’m going to leave the Clave all together.

“No, Alexander, you love that job. You love being a Shadowhunter.” Magnus argues, frowning. “Don’t give it all up for me, please.”

“I know, but I love you more, and you need me.”

“Alexander, I-“

“Don’t try to lie to me, Magnus. I know that simply getting your magic back isn’t going to make your depression go away. The damage is already done.” Alec says, cutting him off. “Besides, I have to figure out what this _thing_ is that your father took in payment.”

“Good point.”

“Thank you, I do have them sometimes.” Alec replies, sounding smug. “Also, it looks like you cheated.”

“Excuse me?” Magnus exclaims, offended, doesn’t even know what he’s supposedly cheated at, but offended all the same.

“Butterfly Ragnor is gone.” Alec tells him, Magnus frowns, looks down at his hands, and then hums. He closes his eyes, an intense look of concentration on his face, and then Butterfly Ragnor appears perched on his left eyebrow. Alec looks at the butterfly in surprise, Magnus shrugs.

“Cat animated him, he’ll stop being animated tomorrow as the ink starts to fade.”

“That’s pretty cool.” Alec says, smiling. “I guess you didn’t cheat then.”

“Of course not, darling.” Magnus replies, smirking. “I play for keeps, _honestly_.”

“Mhm, sure. I’m sure you do.”

“You doubt my word, darling? After everything?” Magnus asks, mock-offended. “You wound me, my Alexander, deeply.” Alec rolls his eyes, steals another kiss before rolling out of bed.

“Come on, let’s go shower and try to figure out what your father could have taken as payment.”

“If we must.” Magnus says, with a heavy sigh, Alec frowns.

“We can stay in bed if you want?”

“No, I’m quite sick of this bedroom at this point, Alexander.” Magnus replies, getting out of bed. “However, let’s enjoy the high while it lasts, hmm? Figure out what my father took later.”

“Okay, whatever you want.”

So, they spend the rest of the day enjoying themselves, they end the day by Netflix and Chilling, and though they both know there is a fight ahead of them, it is a good day, by all accounts.

* * *

 _Twinkle toes, I think I found the soul,_  
 _To make me happily ever after._  
 _Twinkle toes, I'm glad you shot your bow,_  
 _Into the arms of my savior._  
 _Can I say that I am somebody's world?_  
 _How do I live alone with nowhere to go, no._  
  
~Don't Stop, Gin Wigmore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is the end of this fic, but there will be a sequel that will deal with Magnus recovering, Alec figuring out what Asmodeus took from him, and other things that I don't know yet.


End file.
